Star Wars: Episode One and a Half
by pharoahofdenile
Summary: Somewhere in between episode 1 and 2... uhhh... very stupid, read it anyway, and give me lots of reviews!!!!!!!!!


Star Wars: Episode One and a Half  
  
Two guys are standing outside a big shiny building on the planet Jooba- Looba. One is a tall guy with a beard; the other is a short kid with greasy hair, many pimples, braces, thick black glasses, and a pocket protector. Both are carrying lightsabers. The tall guy's name is Obi-wan Kenobi. The kid's name is Anakin Skywalker.  
  
Obi-wan: When Chineeko comes out, we have to follow him. He knows where to find the Gleep-gleep.  
  
Anakin: Ok. While we wait, I'll pop my pimples.  
  
Obi-wan looks at his young apprentice in disgust, while Anakin squeezes a zit the size of planet Glorba.  
  
Obi-wan: Young Padawan, you are only 13. You do not yet know the ways of the zit-poppers.  
  
Anakin: Sorry, Master.  
  
An alien that looks like a mutated Brittany Spears walks out of the building.  
  
Obi-wan: Chineeko!  
  
Anakin: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Anakin draws his lightsaber and cuts off Chineeko's head.  
  
Obi-wan: Dammit, Anakin! Now we'll never know where to find the Gleep- gleep!  
  
Anakin: Sorry, Master.  
  
Obi-wan: There's only one other person who knows where the Gleep-gleep is.  
  
Anakin: Who's that, master?  
  
Obi-wan: Bob the Builder. He lives on the planet Naboo. We must go there before the dark side finds the Gleep-gleep.  
  
Anakin: Who is the dark side?  
  
Obi-wan: Darth Boom Boom. If he finds the Gleep-gleep, he will use it to destroy the galaxy.  
  
Anakin: And what is the Gleep-gleep?  
  
Obi-wan: All will be revealed in time.  
  
Anakin: Oh  
  
A long silence.  
  
Obi-wan: Let's go visit Yoda!  
  
Anakin: Oh, boy!  
  
They get in their ship and fly off the planet Jooba-Looba.  
  
18 hours later  
  
They land on the planet Narcotic, where Yoda has a vacation house.  
  
Obi-wan: Anakin, whatever you do, don't lick the ground or drink the water.  
  
Anakin: You talking to me?  
  
Obi-wan turns around and sees Anakin licking the ground.  
  
Obi-wan: Anakin! Stop that!  
  
Anakin: I can't. I'm addicted!  
  
4 hours later  
  
Smiley Lady: Hello, and welcome to rehab.  
  
Anakin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
5 months later  
  
Yoda: Ready to get out of rehab, you are.  
  
Obi-wan: Ok, now we'll go to Naboo to see Bob the Builder.  
  
Yoda: come, can I?  
  
Obi-wan: Sure  
  
Anakin, Obi-wan, and Yoda leave in a big shiny ship.  
  
1 hour later  
  
Yoda: pull over, I have to pee.  
  
1 hour later  
  
Yoda: Pull over, I have to pee.  
  
1 hour later  
  
Yoda: Pull over, I have to pee.  
  
1 hour later  
  
Yoda: Pull over, I have to pee.  
  
1 hour later  
  
Yoda: Pull over, I have to…  
  
Anakin: Why do you have to pee so much?  
  
Yoda: Hello! I'm 867 years old!  
  
Anakin: Oh.  
  
15 hours later  
  
They land on the planet Naboo. They get out and are immediately greeted by computer-animated talking tractor.  
  
Talking Tractor: Hi, are you here to have your ship fixed?  
  
Obi-wan: No, we're looking for…  
  
Talking Tractor: Can we fix it?  
  
Obi-wan: Uhhh…Ok. We're looking for…  
  
Talking Tractor: I said… Can we fix it?  
  
Obi-wan: Can you just tell me where…  
  
Talking Tractor: Listen, bub. I said CAN… WE… FIX… IT!!??  
  
Anakin: Yes we can!  
  
Obi-wan gives Anakin a strange look.  
  
Anakin: What? I watch the show.  
  
Yoda: Wise beyond his years, this boy is.  
  
Obi-wan: Uhh… Ok. Now that we've got that damn riddle solved, can you tell us where Bob the builder is?  
  
Talking Tractor: Sure. He'll fix your ship up good as new. Can we fix it?  
  
Obi-wan: We don't want…  
  
Talking Tractor: CAN WE FIX IT??!!  
  
Anakin: Yes we can.  
  
Obi-wan: Would all of you cut that out? We don't need our ship fixed, we need to see Bob the builder!  
  
A scarecrow walks up.  
  
Scarecrow: What's going on? Can we fix it?  
  
Talking tractor: Yes we can! These people want to see Bob the builder.  
  
Scarecrow: Do you need your ship fixed? Can we fix it?  
  
Anakin: Yes we can!  
  
Obi-wan: SHUT UP!!! WE DON'T WANT OUR SHIP FIXED, WE WANT TO SEE BOB THE FUCKIN BUILDER!!!  
  
Talking Tractor: You don't have to be so rude about it. Anyway, he's not here. He'll be back in two days. In the meantime, you can stay with us.  
  
Obi-wan: NOOOOO!!!!! I'D RATHER BE EATEN ALIVE BY JABBA THE HUT!!!  
  
They get back on the ship and drive to the other side of the planet. They park at the edge of the forest.  
  
Anakin: Why did we park here?  
  
Obi-wan: I can never find a parking space in the city.  
  
Annoying Voice: Hello! It's meesa, Jar Jar! Did you missa meesa?  
  
Obi-wan: AHHHHHHH!!! GET BACK IN THE SHIP! GET BACK IN THE SHIP!  
  
They get back in the ship and drive to the palace. There's a girl with spiked hair, skimpy clothes, and multiple piercings standing by the door.  
  
Yoda: Hello! Looking for Padme, we are.  
  
Girl: you found her.  
  
Yoda: Wow. Look different, you do.  
  
Padme: Yeah, so? Who's the nerd? (Points to Anakin)  
  
Obi-wan: You remember Anakin, don't you?  
  
Padme: Oh yeah, the short kid.  
  
Obi-wan: Anyway, do you know Bob the builder?  
  
Padme: Yep, he's my uncle.  
  
Obi-wan: Oh. Well, do you know where he is?  
  
Padme: Yeah, he went to planet Pigmalig with his friend.  
  
Obi-wan: Who's his friend?  
  
Padme: I dunno, some guy named Darth Boom Boom.  
  
Obi-wan: Oh shit!!! We have to go find him.  
  
Padme: Can I come? The loser grounded me for three friggin weeks.  
  
Anakin: Sure you can come. You can do anything you wish. We are your humble servants. (Anakin is drooling)  
  
Padme: Step off freak.  
  
They step aboard the ship and take off.  
  
Yoda: I have to pee.  
  
All: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!  
  
52 hours later  
  
They arrive on the planet Pigmalig.  
  
Obi-wan: Do you know where your uncle went?  
  
Padme: I don't know, but if I were him, I'd go in there. (Points to the only building on the planet)  
  
Obi-wan: Right. Padme, stay here. The rest of you, follow me.  
  
Padme: Yeah, right.  
  
Obi-wan: Ok, fine, you can come.  
  
Padme: Damn right.  
  
They walk into the building. Surprisingly, there are no guards. They walk to the end of the hallway and see three doors.  
  
Obi-wan: Ok, we're gonna have to split up. I'll go through one door, Yoda will go through another, and Anakin and Padme will go through the last one.  
  
Padme: Jeez, do I have to be paired up with the freak?  
  
Yoda: Protect you, Anakin can.  
  
Padme: Yeah right. I'll probably have to protect him.  
  
They each go through their doors. Obi-wan finds himself in another hallway. There is a door at the end. He heads towards it.  
  
Yoda walks into a closet. The door shuts and locks behind him.  
  
Yoda: Screwed, I am.  
  
Anakin and Padme open the door and walk right into a room full of people.  
  
Alien with Big Ears: Intruders!  
  
Alien with Big Eyes: Humans!  
  
Alien with Big Nose: Seize them!  
  
Anakin screams like a girl, tries to turn, trips on his own feet, and is caught by an alien with big hands. Meanwhile, Padme has taken out her knife and is kicking ass. She stabs any aliens that come near her. She kills the alien that caught Anakin and sets Anakin free.  
  
Padme: Told you I would have to protect you.  
  
Padme kills all of the aliens and turns to Anakin.  
  
Padme: Are you ok, squirt?  
  
Anakin: Yeah, I… LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! AN ALIEN!  
  
Anakin grabs a hammer and throw it at the alien that snuck up behind Padme. It fell short and hit Padme on the head. She falls unconscious.  
  
Anakin: Oops!  
  
Yoda: What's going on? Only me, it is.  
  
Anakin: Oh, crap, I'm in trouble. Padme, are you ok?  
  
Padme: Where am I? What am I doing with these skimpy clothes and peircings? I've had a change of heart. I want to become a government official!  
  
Anakin: Wow, that must have hit her hard.  
  
Padme: I know! I want to be a senator!  
  
Anakin: First a queen, now a senator.  
  
Padme: Better yet, I'll be a quenator.  
  
Anakin: Good god!  
  
Meanwhile, Obi-wan has gone down 8 more hallways. He goes through one more door, and finds himself face to face with a short man in a hardhat who looked like he was made of clay.  
  
Obi-wan: Who are you?  
  
Short man: I'm Bob the builder! Can we fix it?  
  
Obi-wan: Not this again!  
  
Anakin and Yoda and Padme go through the door that Obi-wan went through. They go through the 8 hallways and find Obi-wan and Bob the builder.  
  
Padme: Uncle Bob!  
  
Bob the builder: That's uncle Bob the builder.  
  
Obi-wan: Uhh… Bob… the builder… do you know where to find the gleep-gleep?  
  
Bob the builder: Yes. Can we fix it?  
  
Anakin: Yes we can!  
  
Obi-wan: Uhh… can we have the gleep-gleep?  
  
Padme: What's a gleep-gleep?  
  
Bob the builder: No, I'm sorry I gave it to…  
  
Low voice: ME!  
  
A man steps out of the shadows. He is wearing a long robe with a hood so you can't see his face.  
  
Yoda: Darth Boom Boom!  
  
Darth Boom Boom: Yes, it is I, Darth Boom Boom! And now that I have the gleep-gleep, I will use it to destroy the planet Karookianook and enslave the rest of the galaxy!  
  
Padme: What's a gleep-gleep?  
  
Obi-wan: What have you got against Karookianook?  
  
Darth Boom Boom: Well, it's very simple. When I was a kid, my parents died, leaving me to raise myself. To make money, I had to go work at… at… at a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT!  
  
Anakin: So?  
  
Darth Boom Boom: Shut up, boy, I am not finished yet. The McSpawnolds down the road was the only place that would hire me. I had to work in a miserable little room, cooking fries.  
  
Anakin: I don't get it. What's your point?  
  
Darth Boom Boom: I'm getting to it! Anyway, to cook fries, you need grease. And prolonged exposure to grease gives you…  
  
Darth Boom Boom throws back his hood.  
  
Darth Boom Boom: ZITS!  
  
Darth Boom Boom's face is totally covered with pimples. Pus oozes down his face. He is the most grotesque sight they have ever seen.  
  
Padme: Eeeewww!!!  
  
Obi-wan: But why are you mad at the planet Karookianook?  
  
Darth Boom Boom: I used to live on Karookianook! The McSpawnolds fast food chain grew until it became the most prosperous business on the whole planet. And I was fired, replaced by a robot, and forever scarred by these blemishes. I couldn't find another job in the whole galaxy. No one wanted to hire someone so grotesque. So I will destroy Karookianook and enslave the people who shunned me with the Gleep-gleep!  
  
Padme: Excuse me, could someone PLEASE tell me what the Gleep-gleep is!  
  
Obi-wan: Anakin, you are now ready to learn the ways of the zit poppers!  
  
Anakin: I've been waiting for this moment since I started breaking out!  
  
Obi-wan: Use the force.  
  
Anakin: (concentrating) pop…pop…c'mon, pop already…  
  
Darth Boom Boom: It's no use, stupid boy! I have the gleep-gleep, (holds up shiny green crystal) and I will now use it to destroy you and your friends.  
  
Padme: Uh, technically, I'm not his friend. Are you still gonna kill me?  
  
Darth Boom Boom: Hmmm. I dunno. Maybe… Oh, what the hell, I'll kill you too!  
  
Padme: Great.  
  
Anakin: (still trying to use the force) please, just pop… c'mon, pop…POP ALREADY!  
  
Suddenly, Darth Boom Boom screams and clutches at his face. Pus oozes through his fingers.  
  
Darth Boom Boom: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY FACE!!!!!!!!! OWWWWWWW!!!!! IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Obi-wan: Anakin! It's working! Use the force!  
  
Anakin: Ok… pop…pop…pop…  
  
Darth Boom Boom: PAIN!!! AGONY!!!! OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!  
  
Anakin: pop...pop…pop…  
  
Darth Boom Boom: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!! URGH!!!  
  
Darth Boom Boom collapses. Yoda grabs the gleep-gleep. Padme stands by the far wall, looking disgusted.  
  
Obi-wan: Nice job, Anakin. You defeated Darth Boom Boom and saved the galaxy.  
  
Anakin: and better yet, my acne cleared up!  
  
Padme: I can't believe I'm associated with these freaks.  
  
Darth Boom Boom (who has regained consciousness): You may have won this time, but I'll be back!  
  
Anakin: Yeah, right.  
  
Padme: Wait a minute… What did the gleep-gleep actually do?  
  
Obi-wan: Uhhhh… I wasn't exactly sure about that.  
  
Padme: Then why did you have to come get it?  
  
Obi-wan: (picks up gleep-gleep) It's worth a lot of money!  
  
Padme:O-k.  
  
Obi-wan: Who wants to go to McSpawnolds? My treat!  
  
Darth Boom Boom: McSpawnolds? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
